Well hello.
Small remark: this fancy little post was written a couple months back. never got myself around to actually making it public but two months later i'm just thinking: why not. looking back i'll be glad to have gotten even the slightest thing off my chest (:
I'm back, for now. And before you continue reading some of my unnecessary, deep thoughts let me just suggest you press that orange play button below to get into the mood. Lovely song, lovely voice and lovely artist. Worth a listen.
Soooo, where have I been? Prepare yourself for a long-ass rant, just a jumble of words that somehow formed in my brain and I haven't read again after jotting them into my keybord. Apologies in advance (for the incomprehensibleness, is that even a word?).
One way it seems as if I've been all over the place, doing this, trying to organize that and constantly on the go. But somehow the last couple of months seemed to me as if I've been stuck in one place. Literally glued to the concrete and not being able to move on. Have to admit though, half the time I wasn't actually sure how and where I wanted to move, but the motion itself was something I craved. It felt as if the world threw everything at me at once. Ideas, thoughts, doubts, a never ending stream and I simply wasn't able to keep up and digest anything in that moment. Looking back at the last two months, I feel like I can only make out some sort of fuzzy cloud with events and days all blending into one another and I don't like it and it needs to change.
“You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” - Mahatma Gandhi
Procrastination, a term I thought to have had enough of a close relationship with during my high school years, seemed to have crept up on me and caused some unnecessary stress as well. Whether it was uni applications (still not completed!), future plans, driving lessons, eating, or anything I set my mind to, that same glue holding me captive didn't allow me to do any of that. There was always something in the back of my mind nagging me, pushing and reminding me there's this to do and that to think of, especially at nighttime, no better time for overthinking, yay. I guess the "glue" I'm referring to is basically me trying to blame something else instead of myself for not doing what I'm not only supposed to, but actually want to do. But I guess I'll just go with the "glue" as I'm kind of liking it.
Listening to the track above while writing puts me in a funnily broody and melancholic mood, I'm just gonna go with the flow. but I just feel like I've got to get this, whatever it is out of my system and jotted down for me to look back onto in the future.
I've go to get some order in my thoughts. Here's a list of things/causes for current state of mind, basically why I think I fell into this funk (with = GLUE
1.thoughts provoked by essena oneill - social media
in order not to actually have ot put up with my real life I guess I've been escaping into cyber world. something i could write a whole nother post on but won't
2.self doubt
stuck inside my small little head, overthinking, overanalising, wanting to do so much.
can't really say much about it, but i'm getting there
3.uni/music/future/plans
stressing me out in so many ways although I know it's what I want to do
4.creativity
needing some sort of creative outled. music, writing, photography, filmmaking. loving them but feeling as if I'm not good enough, lack of creativity and skills
I think I knew beforehand that wiriting down some of my chaotic thoughts might help me bring back some much needed order (i'm a virgo...) into my system and life. Somehow having not set myself goals, deadlines or clear things of what I wanted lead to me losing some sort of control, and control of life is just something I needed. And I guess as a task to keep me motivated I'm going to try to do weekly, bi-weekly posts, which aren't life-changing, thought-provoking subjects but maybe just some random rants, ideas and thoughts; what my blog, I guess was originally was to be about.
“Over thinking ruins you. Ruins the situation, twists it around, makes you worry, and just makes everything much worse that it actually ever is.”
Read an interesting post on Ella's blog, so give it a read. weneedtolivemore - thoughts
Might just feel a bit chaotic since my hair's a huge mess (curly curls = no chance of detangling), gotta figure that shit out, my room's a mess and so is my bed. Gonna light some candles (looooove nothing more), listen to some souly sounds and get some order into my room, stretch and let my mind do whatever it wants. It'll figure itself out.
Time to live more, do whatever I want and not constantly worry about the future. Yes it's important but gotta just live in the NOW and see what the future will bring. Got some new tunes on soundcloud and will definitely keep on posting, maybe even with some originals (:
A finally-at-ease, motivated and happy goodbye,
J xx
